A Year of Breaking (Megan)

Mom wrote this devotional for Co-Op this past weekend. It was too beautiful not to share! -Siobhan

If 2020 was a year of stretching as we struggled through a pandemic, 2021 was a year of breaking for me and my family.  Breaking resolutions, breaking promises, breaking appliances, breaking the bank with my struggling new business venture.  And even breaking hearts.  Grieving the loss of my grandma and living every day with gnawing loneliness for my family and closest friends I hadn’t seen since before the pandemic, I felt inadequate to comfort my adult children who each suffered the loss of someone very close to them this past fall.  For my daughter’s college graduation I gave her a necklace with sea glass and a promise that someday the treasures she had lost would be refined and returned to her as something beautiful and precious. I needed that assurance as much as she did.

I haven’t had the focus for much self-examination or creative reflection lately, but when I realized my date was coming up to give a devotional to encourage a group of women in vastly different stages of their journey as homeschool moms, I decided to go back to the beginning of my journey as a mother and travel memory lane through a series of books that have given me strength and courage over the past 20 years.  Each represents a different stage of motherhood, and, ironically, I am presently in every one of these stages!  More and more  I’m realizing that, whether we are new and naive mothers, mothers in the trenches with multiple children, or veteran (and I cringe to use the term) “Supermoms,” we all need the exact same reminders of God’s truth and regular encouragement of our sisters.  

As I returned to the pages of these books, I was transported back to my days as a young mother.  Fresh out of college and newly married and pregnant, I struggled greatly with my sense of identity and diminishing sense of worth as I gave up my personal dreams to care for my little ones.  God was kind to bring a friend into my life who certainly qualified as a “Supermom.”   This mother of 7 exuded energy and creativity, and her humor and words of advice have carried me through many challenges. Over the years, I got close enough to her to see that, behind her beautiful and brave smile, there was self-doubt and deep discouragement at times.  One day, after a heart to heart talk, she gave me this book called “The Invisible Woman - When Only God Sees.”  In this small book, Nicole Johnson writes about her experience of feeling invisible to her husband and children.  Here is a humorous and tragic quote we can probably all relate to!  Nicole writes, 

"I have often wondered when my kids walk into the kitchen if they just see a pair of hands cooking a meal.  Maybe I’m like the white-gloved Hamburger Helper hands.  Or do they see an apron tied around an invisible waist standing over the stove?  When I’m driving the car, do they see an empty seat belt secure and tight across no one’s lap?  They can see the trappings of the function I am performing, but they cannot see me performing it.  I can be standing over the stove with tears running down my cheeks, and someone will come into the kitchen and ask “the apron” the inevitable question:  not, ‘What’s wrong?’ but “What’s for dinner?”  Some days I’m only a pair of hands, nothing more.  “Can you fix this?”  “Can you tie this?”  “Can you open this?”  “Can you wash this?”  “Can you hold this?”  Weren’t these the same hands that held books, went to college and even received a law degree?...Whatever they were, they are now just used for opening video games and washing underwear, making bologna sandwiches and holding a fistful of GI Joes while someone goes to the bathroom…”  

The author tells about a close friend she opened her heart to, a friend who gave her a book about the Great Cathedrals of Europe - magnificent buildings which were built by skilled craftsmen and artisans whose names history will never reveal.  Many of these buildings took over a hundred years to complete, so the builders would commit their whole lives to a project they never saw completed.  At times the medieval artisans would intentionally hide their most beautiful work behind walls, knowing that (even though no else would find their art) it had already been seen by God for whose glory they had built it!  Through the pages of this book, the author’s perspective changed on the value of her mundane tasks.  She writes, “While I will never be visible to everyone; I am finally able to see myself for the builder and woman that I am.  I can stop searching for my reflection in others and allow God the opportunity to answer the question in my soul.  My life really matters.  These days I’m enjoying it thoroughly when someone doesn’t see me.  In fact, I’m looking for ways to disappear daily…The deepest identity and worth that my heart longs for will never be found in human applause. Although it feels good most of the time, it is far too short-lived.  The deepest satisfaction of my heart is found in the faith to work and build and love for a greater purpose than my own.”      

A second book that God used to change my perspective and bless me at the beginning of my journey as a mom is “Loving the Little Years, Motherhood in the Trenches.”  This book has become my top recommendation to moms of little ones.  I have returned to it often so I could laugh and empathize with the crazy stories this mom weaves into her insightful and convicting writing.  Rachel Jankovic compares her Christian life BEFORE CHILDREN to that of a slow river in a quiet place.  She confesses, “But God took me out of that life and threw me into the rock tumbler.  Here it is not so easy to feel godly because we spend our days crashing into each other and usually getting our problems addressed.  Here there is very little time for quiet reflection.  I do a lot of on-the-job failure and correction.  Repenting and forgiving.  Laughing.  Lots and lots of laughing.  Because if there is anything that life in the rock tumbler will teach you, it is that there is no room to take yourself seriously.  Like trying to strike “cool” poses on a rug that someone is continually pulling out from under you, self-seriousness in mothering is totally pointless and probably painful.”  

Later in her chapter entitled “Me Time,”  Rachel writes, “So realize that your body is a testimony to the world of God’s design.  Carry the extra weight joyfully until you can lose it joyfully.  Carry the scars joyfully as you carry the fruit of them.  Do you resent the damages that your children left on your body.  Just like a guitar mellows and sounds more beautiful with age and scratches, so your body can more fully praise God having been used for His purposes…”  She also reminds us that the Christian view of self is very different from that of the world.  “We are like characters in a story.  Our essential self is not back in the intro, waiting to be rediscovered.  Who you are is where you are. As the story grows, so does your character.  Your children change you into a very different person.  If you suddenly panic because it all happened so fast and now you don’t recognize yourself, what you need is not time alone.  What you need is your people.  Look out - look at the people who made you what you are - your husband and your children.  Study them.  They are you.  If you want to know yourself, concentrate on them.”  

You can imagine my delight, after enjoying this author’s first book, when I discovered that she had written a sequel called, “Fit to Burst - Abundance, Mayhem, and the Joys of Motherhood.”  My favorite chapter in this book is titled, “When the Milkshake Runs Low.” Here Rachel writes,

“Have you ever noticed that when there is more than one straw in a milkshake, everyone sucks faster?  Everyone knows they are competing, and every sip by someone else means less for you.  People start breathing through their noses to minimize lost time.  I have felt for a long time that little children have straws that tap directly into their mom’s energy.  The milkshake cup is me, and the milkshake is my energy, and every child is armed with a straw.  Infants who are either in the womb or nursing have a competitive edge and get to take as much as they want before it even hits the glass.  When the glass is full, things are pretty pleasant.  No matter how much milkshake the kids are drinking, there is still some left.  It feels pretty good.  I am happy to feed them all.  But when I’m down to the last inch of milkshake, all the straws start making that horrible noise as they swab around in the bottom of the glass looking for anything they could snag.  They all feel the panic of limited supply.  They all start getting intense and sucking much, much harder.  They are panicked.  I am getting panicked.  I want everyone to stop so I can whip up a new batch.  No one stops because they are trying to get the last of the film off the glass, leaving nothing behind.”  At the end of this chapter, she concludes, “When we are at home with our children, this is the means of our sanctification.  This is the testing of our faith.  And it is Christ’s faithfulness that enables ours.  It is our job to cast off sins, to be faithful.  It is Christ’s  job to renew us.  We need to be faithful because He is faithful to us.  We can trust Him to fill our milkshakes because His never runs low…”  

The fourth and final book I’ll share is one I read when I was expecting the twins.  It was the most convicting and encouraging book on my role as a homeschooling mom I had ever read.  It helped me make the distinction between what God requires of me and what I impose upon myself and my children.  It not only transformed the way I prioritize our homeschool days but it changed the spirit with which I approach homeschooling.  Sarah Mackenzie writes, “We are weary because we forget about grace.  We act as though God’s showing up is the miracle.  But guess what?  God’s showing up is the given.  Grace is a fact.  If you are being asked to feed a multitude with a tiny basket of loaves and fish, then bring your basket…We bring our basket - whatever talents, skills, abilities we have-and we seek Him with everything we are.  He works the miracle…Remember your true task.  Surrender everything.  Bring your loaves and your fish, even if you think them completely insufficient.  You are insufficient.  But His grace is not.  God is not limited by objective reality.  His yoke is easy and His burden is light.”  

Not only am I incredibly thankful for the promises of God’s Word and the encouraging pages of books like these to carry me through the darkest nights and dreariest days of motherhood, but I am also so grateful for the community of women He has blessed me with through this co-op.  Left to myself, I can be an introvert to an unhealthy extreme, and when I’m discouraged my tendency is to withdraw, which only feeds the struggle and gives the enemy an opportunity to convince me that I’m alone in the trenches of motherhood.  Several times this year, just when I have needed it most, one of you has sought me out, drawn me out, encouraged me with a book or a note, made me laugh, or prayed with me.  I want to thank you for that and encourage you to keep up the work of loving, forgiving and encouraging these ladies around you.  Whether they are new moms, moms of many, weary/overextended moms, or “Supermoms,” every one of them needs to be listened to, loved, and encouraged to lean into the God who invites all of us  with the words, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”