~Baxter and Cade's Story~
During my last few pregnancies I considered it a funny compliment when people asked me if I was "expecting my first." This time I have been tempted to answer YES! Carrying twins has introduced me to a whole new world of "firsts." This was the first time I have had a long list of alarming risk factors including "advanced maternal age" branded on my pregnancy chart. The first time I battled nausea for 20 straight weeks. The first time I waddled around, unaware of the Starbucks coupon stuck to my thigh or lost school supplies in the recesses of my lap because I couldn't see past my middle. The first time I got trapped in my parking space because I was too enormous to fit through my car door. The first time I experienced simultaneous kicking of 4 small feet in my rib cage and two "cannon ball" heads pounding my bladder. The first time I taught an entire lesson on the xylem and phloem of vascular plants to my boys, using my blue and purple calves as a visual aid...
In God's providence, the weekend when we would
have welcomed the "November Baby" whom I miscarried, was when I
discovered I was pregnant again. My joy was guarded, mixed with sadness
and the fear of losing another little one. I spent that Sunday at home
in tearful reflection and drew immeasurable comfort from the writings
of Richard Baxter, a Puritan scholar and pastor who, although his
personal life was tumultuous and his theology was misguided at points,
expressed God's truth with a
powerful simplicity that captured my heart and restored my focus on
eternity. In his Practical Works Baxter writes, "The glorious
and infinite God, who made the worlds, and upholds them by his word,
who is praised continually by his heavenly hosts; this God, has sent to
you a joyful message to raise you from the dust, and banish the terrors
and troubles from your hearts...He takes notice of your sorrows. He
stands close by when you do not see him and feel he has forsaken you.
He attends you with the greatest tenderness when you say he has
forgotten you. He numbers your sighs and bottles up your tears. He
feels the groans of your heart..." Baxter also wrote,"...To stand in heaven and look back on earth, and
weigh them together in the balance, must transport the soul and make it cry
out, 'Is this the place that cost so dear as the
blood of God?...Have the gales of grace blown me into such a harbour? Is it
here that Christ has enticed my soul? O blessed way and end!...O soul, are you
not ashamed that you ever doubted the love that brought you here? Are you not
ashamed of your hard thoughts of God and his providences, repining the ways
that have led to such an end? Are you not sufficiently convinced that the ways
you called hard and the cup you called bitter were necessary? The Lord had a
sweeter purpose and meant better than you would believe. Your Redeemer was
saving you as much when he crossed your desires as when he granted them, and he
was saving you when he broke your heart as much as when he bound it up..."
Yes, my desires had been crossed and my heart had been broken, but I
trusted that God would restore what had been lost. In the privacy of my
living room, I cried freely, thanking God for building His kingdom
through all of my covenant children - the 6 who make my life on
earth such a joy, the three whom we will meet in Heaven someday, and the little one growing inside of me. That morning, I listened to an online message
our pastor preached on 1 Samuel 2 and reflected on the powerful prayer
of the barren Hannah who rejoiced who marveled at God's grace in
providing Samuel. "He raises up the poor from the dust; he lifts the needy from the ash heap" (1 Samuel 2:8).
I will never forget my first ultrasound when I learned that I was having twins. I felt sheepish asking Stephen to take time off work for a "routine" appointment, but, realizing how anxious I was feeling after my last miscarriage, he wanted to provide his wildly hormonal wife with a shoulder to cry on - whether the news was joyful or sorrowful. My midwife was beaming when she instantly found the image of our bean-sized baby with a strong heartbeat. We had just enough time to breathe a sigh of relief before we started blinking in disbelief at another image on the screen - an identical copy of our first baby! The midwife broke our stunned silence with a shaky, "Ummm, do you see what I see?!" A wave of shock, mixed with a hint of panic, washed over me. My protective, maternal instincts doubled, and all I cared about was that this second baby was as healthy as the first. We were soon reassured with wiggling and another strong heartbeat, and my joy knew no bounds. The first glimpses of these twin brothers, side by side, was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen.
After I fully absorbed the reality of carrying identical twin boys, I began to marvel that God would surprise me with this gift. I had pleaded with Him to bless me with another precious child, never imagining He would surprise me with two... Only He knew the pain of my last miscarriage - the shock of losing a baby I had loved and carried for nearly three months, the 6 months of grieving and wondering if I would ever feel life growing inside me again, the lonely and anxious first trimester while I waited to hear the heartbeat of this new baby. The day I found out I was pregnant, I printed and hung Psalm 94:18-19 on the front of my refrigerator and have echoed the Psalmist's prayer through the past nine months, "I cried out, 'I am slipping!' but your unfailing love, O LORD, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer."
This pregnancy has been one of unprecedented stretching - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. In addition to experiencing the marvel and joy of watching my babies grow, I have also struggled with dark hours of exhaustion and discouragement, feeling depleted by the two little ones I am sustaining and inadequate to meet the pressing needs of my other six children who depend on me to train, educate, and care for them every day. Waking up sick and exhausted most mornings, I groaned out a prayer for just enough strength and courage to meet my family's needs, and He has never failed to provide.
On one of the longest days of winter, when I was struggling with early pregnancy exhaustion and brutal nausea, I was encouraged by Spurgeon's words,"When called to serve or suffer, we take stock of our strength, and we find it to be less than we thought, and less than we need. But let not our heart sink within us...There is no telling how much power God can put into a man. When divine strength comes, human weakness is no more a hindrance. Do we not remember seasons of labour and trial in which we received such special strength that we wondered at ourselves? In the midst of danger we were calm, under bereavement we were resigned, in slander we were self-contained, and in sickness we were patient. The fact is, that God gives unexpected strength when unusual trials come upon us. We rise out of our feeble selves...My own weakness makes me shrink, but God's promise makes me brave." As my feet have swollen beyond recognition, I have often brought to mind 1 Samuel 2:9 where God promises to "...keep the feet of his saints." "With such a promise as this, let us run without weariness, and walk without fear. He who keeps our feet will do it effectually" (Spurgeon).
I can vividly recall one disastrous Monday morning, a particularly low point in my pregnancy when God showcased His strength through my pitiful weakness. My carpet stank from
recent flooding, the wheels had just fallen off my vacuum cleaner, and my school bookshelves
had collapsed. And, as a finishing touch, my two year old decided to "sweep" the
bathroom floor with dirty toilet water. I indulged in some angry tears
for the amount of time it took me to mop puddles and wipe toilet paper off my
walls. My kids wouldn't stop fighting, and, through gritted teeth, I asked God if all of this was
reasonable to expect of me in my condition. After composing myself to face the rest of my
day, I found an e-mail message and passage sent by a dear friend who, without any
knowledge that I was in crisis, assured me that she was praying for me. Through tears I
thanked God that, even through my most challenging and thankless days, His arms
are upon me. He doesn't merely direct me from a distance but assists me
with the same tenderness I feel toward my own little ones. Each time I
guide little hands learning to form their letters complete simple tasks, I am
reminded of a God who "puts His hands on my hands and puts His arms on my
arms, that I might be strong." "His bow abode in strength, and the arms of his hands
were made strong by the hands of the mighty God of Jacob."—Genesis 49:24.
"That strength which God gives to His Josephs is real
strength; it is not a boasted valour, a fiction, a thing of which men talk, but
which ends in smoke; it is true—divine strength. Why does Joseph stand against
temptation? Because God gives him aid. There is nought that we can do without
the power of God. All true strength comes from "the mighty God of
Jacob." Notice in what a blessedly familiar way God gives this strength to
Joseph—"The arms of his hands were made strong by the hands of the mighty
God of Jacob." Thus God is represented as putting His hands on Joseph's
hands, placing His arms on Joseph's arms. Like as a father teaches his
children, so the Lord teaches them that fear Him. He puts His arms upon them.
Marvellous condescension! God Almighty, Eternal, Omnipotent, stoops from His
throne and lays His hand upon the child's hand, stretching His arm upon the arm
of Joseph, that he may be made strong...!" (Spurgeon).
I have reached full term, carrying these little guys and am experiencing new and unpleasant "firsts" each day my pregnancy continues. At the moment I am seriously wondering if I will be the first pregnant mother to perish of acute heartburn or exploding ankles. Yet, in the midst of these unprecedented discomforts, I praise God for the privilege of carrying these precious boys, of studying their movements and learning their personalities as grow inside of me. This has been a profound journey of experiencing God's grace and provision, and I can hardly wait to welcome Baxter and Cade into our family.
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